Letting Go...

There comes a time when hanging on to old beliefs, people in our lives or a part of ourselves that no longer serve us.

When is the right time to let go of antiquated ideas about who you are and the purpose you serve to others?  

From the time you are a young child your parents/guardians/teachers help steer you in a direction that they deemed worthy based on their own perceptions and experiences of the world, teaching you valuable lessons children shouldlearn to be responsible acting adults; all good intentions and reasonable. The problem is you’re conditioned over decades to act, respond, interpret and voice or not voice your feelings based on other’s ideas of yourself. Blaming parents for where you’re at in life or how you hold relationships is not the purpose I’m trying to convey, just the opposite, your loved ones did the best they knew how based on the information and experiences they had. As you grow older it is each individual’s responsibility to learn, discover and appreciate yourself as a loving human being through various means of; reading, travel, listening, therapy, spiritual guidance, meditation, yoga, painting, volunteering, raising children…whatever feeds your soul. 

People come into your life as teachers, they are on purpose, as you are a teacher to the people you come into contact with.  It may be for a brief moment, a short time, a long time or a life time. The connection serves always as a lesson to be learned or taught. 

Negative beliefs about yourself that are implanted from supposed good intentions or by toxic and unhealthy relationships will dissipate over time, when you put the focus on being in the company of higher vibrational people, enough sleep, eating the right foods, and an active plan of exercise and self-care. Let your feelings be the guide of where you’re at. What feelings come up when you think about or when you’re with your spouse/partner, children, parents, siblings, friends, your career and most importantly…yourself? Rate on a scale from 1-10 and let that be your barometer of what changes you’d like to make or let go of to experience the life you envision for yourself. 

 Your thoughts are the source of virtually everything in your life. If you change your thoughts to what you love rather than to what you label as wrong, you’ve just changed your entire relationship with others and yourself.   

When you let go, you take down the barriers of control, your thoughts of how something should be, negative self-talk and assumptions and you embrace the love that exists in the present moment. 

The 6 Human Needs for Fulfillment

We all operate on the notion that our basic needs will be met. It starts as an infant knowing that our mother will pick us up and feed our hungry tummies when we cry. Feeling overjoyed and truly surprised when you show up to a restaurant to have all your close ones waiting to celebrate your birthday. When you’ve trained like nothing else mattered for a competition and pulled off 1st place. Or knowing that no matter what, someone’s always got your back.

When all of our needs are met we live a life with intention, joy, on purpose, and an open heart. For many of us, our childhoods, relationships or lack of, negative self talk have kept many from obtaining some of the Human Needs necessary. Interviewing individuals and listening to their life stories is the largest focus in my business and  there are key words and expressions regularly used that identify which areas of their life is lacking or fulfilled, without exception. When I kept hearing the same answers/phrases over and over more or less I was curious and researched some noted professionals who identified these motivations towards happiness and fulfillment as “Human Needs”

I encourage you to identify in which area of your life is not being fulfilled and ask yourself why? Get really honest with yourself, dig a little, go to that uncomfortable place in your heart and mind you haven’t visited for a while, when you break it open, miracles can happen!

CERTAINTY/SAFETY

The first need is for certainty. To feel safe, (women use this word often),free to walk around without fear, avoid pain, comfortable in our home and relationships. Every person needs to have some sense of certainty  of where our next meal is coming from, having a roof over our heads, safe environment, if we become ill, that we can receive medical care. . For some, having lots of money constitutes safety, for others a pension cheque is all that is needed. This need varies from person to person. Words used for this need: certainty, safety, grounded, comfort.

VARIETY

The second need is for variety/unknown.  To feel surprised, scared, overwhelmed, change, sense of adventure. With certainty, there is a comfort, routines and processes make people feel safe, but variety and excitement is necessary to feeling alive and hopeful. For some, changing their daily routine a little is enough, for others jumping out of an airplane or swimming with sharks, or obtaining many sexual partners is required to feel that same way.  Inviting drama and chaos into our lives is another major way to have the need of variety met.  Words used for this need: Fear, fun, excitement, drama, chaos, variety, adventure, spontaneous.

SIGNIFICANCE

The third need is significance. We all have the need to feel important, that we matter, that we are heard, we are wanted, a sense of belonging. Significance comes from comparing ourselves with others and feeling special in some sense.  It can raise our standards, keep us focused, make us feel superior or inferior. If we are overtly focused on significance, our connections with others can suffer and our relationships will change. For some, significance comes from providing for the family, working for causes, building an empire and for some, it’s tearing down others to feel significance. Words used for the need: self worth, importance, special, standards, competition, rejection. 

LOVE/CONNECTION

The fourth need is Love. Everyone needs to experience love and connection on some level.  Babies need love and connection for a long time to thrive and and develop normally, babies that are not held and touched can die. This need for love continues throughout our lives and blooms into romantic love as adults.  We want that one person who has our back, that we can count on to fulfill our hopes and dreams (lots of pressure!) For some, it comes from relatives, community, their work, church, and service. The need to be loved is felt by all humans and is the most significant of all the needs. Words used for the need: passion, togetherness, fulfilled, connection, partner, desire.

GROWTH

The fifth need is growth. We have a desire to continually grow emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Anything in our life we want to change; (health, money, happiness, relationships), must be cultivated, developed and expanded. 

CONTRIBUTION

The sixth need is contribution. To go beyond our selves and give to others, to causes ,to feel complete and give back. To leave a legacy through foundations, buildings, hospitals, parks, our children, our work. Everyone can contribute through donating their time, contribution, through their children’s schools, it is essential for fulfillment and happiness.

It’s my wish that all readers will take away something beneficial for themselves. 

Lead with Love

FORGIVENESS

When the word “forgiving” is mentioned, who comes to your mind? What person or what is the experience that you feel you will never forget or never forgive? Take a moment and reflect, who or what holds you captive in your past and doesn’t allow you to live an abundant life?

Forgiveness is the present you give to yourself. There’s no other conclusion except freedom for you to live the life you were meant to live.  Past relationships that keep you stuck, hurt, emotional feelings carried forward is bound to you until you release them.

Forgiving yourself is often the first step for putting up with and allowing painful experiences in your life to happen. So go ahead, forgive yourself and forgive others who have caused this pain, say it out loud, write it down, or just in your mind, whatever it takes, just release the experience and start living your life. It’s not complicated, just put it into motion and watch what happens.

The bitterness and old pains will start to roll off your shoulders as you let it go and your heart is open wide to give and receive love. Sounds corny, but it works when you’re truly able to forgive and unburden yourself and make the shift. 

Remember, we do not need to know how to forgive. All we have to do is be willing to forgive.

Best Advice for Single Men - Approach.

Remember when getting a date meant asking/giving a phone number, starting up a conversation and following through? Everyone got asked to the prom, Saturday night dates were abundant and the weekend was a welcome distraction from the work week and women weren’t moaning about “where are all the men?”! In todays’ world with all the social media outlets and connectors of people, we are more alone and lonely then ever in history!

Too many options make people confused and picky. The 10,000 possible dates to chose from becomes like a second job, weeding and sifting through countless profiles, it’s tedious and frustration sets in. The square box/ hand held devices removes the human aspect between the sexes connecting with online dating.

There are a percentage of people who have success with online dating, but the numbers are very small. Match.com boast that they have had 549,000 marriages, but with membership at 30 million that only equates to 1.8%! Sure you can get a date after endless emails, show up, have a drink or my favourite- a coffee (grown ups need to have real dates) talk about each other’s past relationships – big no, no, and pretend that you’re having a great time while hitting the snooze button during the evening. That’s not how it’s supposed to be! 

I would love to see/hear more men take the initiative and approach, talk to, and even buy a woman a drink; remember that out of style concept? There are men who do, this is directed to the men that don't. Single Vancouverites complain about the lack of interaction from each other, instead, blaming each other for their lack luster love lives. 

Why not come from the perception that everyone is approachable, because they are. We all have a need and desire to be loved, noticed, heard and admired. Go into it with no expectations, no end result, just a friendly gesture of one human to another. You will affect someone in a positive way and uplift their spirit just from a smile, compliment or better yet, an invitation.

Flirting is healthy, but it needs to go beyond that. How do singles couple up if men don’t ask the questions; “Can we exchange numbers?” “ I’d like to see you again”, “Can I take you out for dinner?” Don’t be afraid of the answer boys, just ask! It’s part of being male to ask a woman out on a date, not the other way around, this concept hasn’t changed over time. Secure, well adjusted and healthy men do this, with great results. Take a chance on yourself and put self doubt, shyness and insecure tendencies out of your mind and come from a genuine, sincere place and you will be surprised at the changes in your dating life.

Focus on what you want to happen, not on what won’t happen. Change your belief system; that internal voice that guides your intentions to a result that is desired. Your reactions are just as important as your delivery.  Don’t be offended if a woman isn’t receptive, be respectful and thank her for her time; open, friendly and receptive women are the ones that matter.  It’s that simple, it’s not complicated. Go out this week and see what happens, the fun exists in the action taken which creates opportunities. What’s the worst that can happen, really? Just think of the possibilities that can – alter your thinking, take a breath, smile and simply approach a stranger that is appealing... that's it. 

The Strength of a Man - the Wisdom of a Woman

As I have stated many times, I love what I do!  To make a profound difference in my client’s life is a privilege and an honour I don’t take lightly. 

A very wise woman I once knew and carry in my heart everyday once said to me, “when someone’s emotions are involved, you don’t know what they’re capable of”.  I have never forgotten this statement, it stays with me always, and guides me to look and react to people I have encountered throughout the years.

This statement can come across differently to each reader and looked at either in a negative or positive light.  Our life experiences will trigger an emotion inside all of us when remembering any given event, relationship, song, smell or person.

As I grow older and hopefully wiser, this statement has changed over the years. As I view it today it gives me pause and upon reflection says how truly blessed we are to have the ability to share what’s inside each and every one of us.  Long gone are the days that men have to “Man Up” and say nothing so they don’t come across as weak or too sensitive. It’s refreshing when a man tells me what he’s really looking for in a partner, I get pretty personal with them, but after a few minutes they open up and really start engaging with me on a very sincere and articulate level.  Men are sensitive, much more than women in my opinion.  Years of interviewing both sexes and raising a boy have taught me that.  Personally I think it’s wonderful that men think, act and respond differently than us girls!  There is strength in their resolve and the simplistic, common sense approach when responding to life’s queries. When men are emotional and heart felt one see’s a side that is touching, surprising and void of creative language and expression – it’s raw and authentic.

Men are capable of everything that’s thrown at them if allowed to come up with a response and decision; the outcome typically can benefit both parties quite nicely. I think we should praise boys like we do girls and tell them they can be anything they want, no gender specific roles, occupations for either. Men are terrific people who challenge, analyze and articulate situations in a very precise way – that’s what most women love – the strength of a man.

We should embrace the men in our lives; they hold insights that are just innately part of being a man.  The wisdom of a father, husband, business partner, teacher, coach, family friend or mentor, these great guys are everywhere. 

I interviewed a businessman this weekend that broke down when he was speaking about his mother of an advanced age and the agonizing decision to place her in a facility a few weeks ago.  The tears were welling up in his eyes and I took his hand. Just that simple gesture allowed him to release the pain and grief he was feeling at that moment.  I wasn’t expecting that reaction from this brilliant mind that had travelled around the world and spoke with leaders of foreign countries. But in that moment, he was capable of showing me how sensitive and painful his decision had been for him.  I thanked him for allowing me to witness the grief and anguish for it gave me an insight I may have never received from just asking him general questions.  I thought of that statement once again and how people are truly surprising when you least expect it, he was capable of showing me a side of himself that will benefit greatly when choosing the right partner for him – it was a huge insight!

I work with men who are business owners and entrepreneurs.  They are successful, charming, funny and surprising and when their emotions are involved at any level, these men are capable of all sorts of amazing and loving behaviors that I get the honor of witnessing.

Thanks Mom for sharing your wisdom so many years ago.

Motivation for Life. Enough said.

Take some time to consider who that could be.  Your spouse, partner, children, co-worker, friend, stranger or even yourself.